


Torn

by ayyyez



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kissing, Longing, Love, Pining, Pre-Canon, Unresolved Feelings, Wartime, giving in to feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24124882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayyyez/pseuds/ayyyez
Summary: For years Cassian has denied his feelings for you for the sake of the rebellion but one wrong move could see him finally accept them and give into his deepest desires.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Reader
Kudos: 18





	Torn

The hiss of the door opening stirred Cassian from the depths of his thoughts. 

That’s when he saw you standing there. On instinct he averted his gaze to something out the window, something far away in the fathomless depths of space. His eyes pinpointed on a star far away—exactly where he wanted to be right in that moment—far away. 

‘Cassian,’ you whispered. ‘What have you done?’ 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

‘Cassi—’

‘I did what I had to do!’ He snapped, turning to face you. 

It was like the flick of a switch, his composure shattering and his agitation exposed. The fiery look in his eyes soon mirrored your own as your expression darkened. 

‘What you had to do?’ You murmured. 

That look in your eyes, the sense of betrayal, that struck Cassian to his core. 

‘Yes.’ He reaffirmed with faltering confidence. ‘I did what I always do. I did it for the rebellion.’ 

‘How is killing innocent people a necessity for the rebellion? How does that make us any different from the empire? You may as well be another storm trooper!’ 

Cassian’s agitation turned to anger, marked wholly by the dark expression shadowing his face. 

He took several strides toward you, fists clenched and by his side when he stopped an inch away from your face. 

‘You think so lowly of me? You think I’m one of—’ His voice wavered, ‘one of them!?’ 

‘How am I to draw a line anymore? When the actions of one mirror the other? What is the rebellion worth if this is what we’ve become?’ Your voice dropped to a whisper. ‘What you’ve become.’

‘You know what they’ve done and yet you stand here putting me on trial? What about what you’ve done? You think you are innocent? That you’re above me?’

‘Of course not!’ You clutched his shirt for a moment, almost pleading, before you pushed him away. ‘I’m questioning everything and everyone. I’m questioning the man I thought I knew! A man I trusted with my life!’ 

‘What you don’t trust me anymore? After everything we’ve been through?’

‘Just tell me what happened!’ You yelled, spinning to face him. 

Cassian was taken back for a moment, his eyes flicking from your fiery eyes to your lips and back again. 

What had he truly done? The guilt was there, threatening to surface ever since he had made that decision back on that forgotten planet, in that forgotten town. _No,_ it wasn’t forgotten, it was that he was trying to forget but could not. 

‘I blew it up.’ Cassian whispered, as though just now realising what he had done. ‘The whole site. I blew it up.’ 

The anger had disappeared and the guilt he had been bottling since the mission, since the first time he had taken a life, all of it pushed to the surface. His legs felt heavy at the feeling. He stumbled backward until his back hit the wall. 

Cassian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

‘I didn’t know.’ He breathed, slowly lifting his gaze to yours. ‘I didn’t know who was in there.’ 

You took a step forward, your expression softer. 

‘But you knew there was a possibility.’ Your voice croaked.

‘I had my orders and the information they had would harm many.’ His defensive tone seeping its way back into his words. ‘I did it for the good of the rebellion and the innocent people who are killed by the empire everyday. I did it for the greater good. That’s what we’ve always said. What we’ve always done.’

‘I know that and I know that you will always be the one willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good but at what cost?’ You let go a heavy sigh. ‘Just because we do things for the greater good doesn’t make them right. I need you to remember that.’ 

‘What did he say to you?’ 

‘Who?’ 

‘The last prisoner. You’ve been different since then.’ 

‘Oh him?’ You gave him a sad smile. ‘Not much, he just helped me realise something we should have seen a long time ago.’ 

‘Tell me.’ Cassian slowly walked toward you and closed the distance. ‘I know you and I can see something has changed inside you.’ 

You sighed. ‘He had infiltrated a civilisation under our protection and when I questioned him about it he said something that made me realise that in many ways we are no different from them. Two soldiers of the same war fighting for different things. Pawns easily replaced.’

‘You don’t really believe that do you? You know we are not the same.’ 

You hummed. ‘“How many innocents have you killed in the decade long quest to avenge your family?” That’s what he said to me.’ 

The guilt resurfaced in Cassian, this time it directed toward you and his role in keeping you safe. He began to whisper your name but you shook your head. 

‘He told me that I am less noble than him for joining a cause such as the rebellion under such pretences. That it’s selfish not noble.’ 

He watched you carefully as you avoided his gaze. ‘Letting him get to you, it’s not like you at all.’

‘Blowing up facilities without planning and talking with us isn’t like you.’ 

A familiar scratching in Cassian’s chest emerged, the one that came when the darkness inside of him threatened to spill out. When his own want begged to out weigh the need of the rebellion.

‘I don’t pretend to be a good person,’ he said softly. ‘I’ve done things I’ll regret for the rest of my life, made decisions in order to survive that no one should make but the only way I can continue is by knowing it was all for something. For a better future.’ 

Finally your eyes met his again. 

‘I know and you’re right. Although we are similar in some ways we are different to the empire in ways that count.’ 

‘What makes us different?’ Cassian took another step toward you so he was close again, his face inches from yours and holding your gaze. 

‘We didn’t start this fight,’ you whispered, mirroring his gaze, ‘And we have something worth fighting for.’ 

‘Then why?’ He challenged your gaze. ‘Why say all this.’ 

‘Because you’re not just a soldier. You’re the boy who helped me when no one else would. You are the man who protects those who cannot protect themselves. You are more than just a soldier who follows orders. You can think for yourself and make your own decisions.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ The itch inside him increased reaching all the way to his throat, dangerously close to the tip of his tongue. 

Cassian wanted so badly to quell the darkness, the guilt, everything he had been carrying. He was afraid of it spreading, seeping into you. That innocent child he knew from his boyhood was gone and the person he saw standing before him was stronger than he could ever be. 

‘I’m sure because I know you.’ You reached up and cupped his face. ‘I know.’ You whispered before leaning toward him. 

His heart skipped a beat. For a second he entertained the happiness, the hope for what he wanted coming into fruition. At the last second the darkness stopped him. 

‘We can’t.’ He murmured, pulling back an inch.

‘Why not?’ You whispered, lips approaching, almost touching his. 

He could feel the heat of your breath and the tantalising touch of your hands on his cheeks. He didn’t have the strength to pull away but he knew it would be wrong to continue. A battle between his head and his heart raged within. 

‘We have important roles to play.’ He whispered, eyes finding your lips. ‘Roles too important to allow for distractions, for such luxuries such as this.’ 

‘You’ve said that to me before remember?’ You cooed, pulling back a little, your hands sliding down to his chest. 

Cassian barely controlled a shudder. Yes, he remembered. He remembered everything when it came to you despite desperately trying very hard not to. 

‘I was a lot younger and you were colder.’ You continued. ‘You said romance was a luxury we couldn’t afford because it would become a lethal distraction. I believed you back then you know?’ 

Of course you did. It had taken everything in him to say those words to you and it took even more strength to walk away. But you found him again as you always did. 

‘I know.’ It was all he could say. 

‘Stop hiding behind duty.’ You whispered. ‘Tell me what you really want.’ 

‘I can’t.’

‘Please.’ You pleaded. ‘Don’t push me away anymore.’ 

His hands reached up and clutched your hands against his chest. 

Every fibre in Cassian wanted him to give into the feelings he had buried for so long but with that want came fear. He could feel the truth seeping out. _I don’t deserve you not after everything I’ve done. It’s my duty to keep you safe not be selfish._

You pressed your forehead against his, grazing the tips of your noses together with a soft sigh. There was an impatience behind your affections, your hands squeezing his and your breath seeming to call for him. 

Cassian realised that you had been patient with him. 

It wasn’t the first time you had tried to push through his resolve. He had resigned himself to the fact that you would always be out of reach, something he would admire from afar yet here you were pushing yourself into his grasp. 

‘We can’t.’ He closed his eyes and indulged in the moment. 

He could feel your lips grazing his. 

‘Why not?’ You whispered, body pushing closer to his. 

His hands moved involuntarily to your waist, keeping his touch featherlight but knowingly there. 

Then you surprised him by pulling away and he found himself following you in your retreat. You gave him a serious look. 

‘Be honest with me, please, just this once. I can’t take it anymore.’ You’re pleading but also firm. ‘Do you truly want this? Or do you not? I’ll stop if that’s what you want.’

Panic raised in Cassian. His hands involuntarily gripped down hard on your sides. 

‘This isn’t about what I want.’ He said, a little too loud. ‘This is about my duty to you.’ 

‘Duty? To me?’ 

‘How can I protect you properly if I allow myself to get caught up in my emotions?’

‘You don’t have to protect me, I can protect myself.’ 

‘It’s not just about what I have to do it’s about what I want to do! What I’ve always wanted!’ The words spilled out from his lips before he could stop them. 

‘Cassian.’ You stood there stunned. ‘What’s gotten you so afraid?’ 

‘I told you we can’t afford this luxury.’ 

‘Love is not a luxury even in these uncertain times. If anything it represents what the rebellion has been working toward. Love is hope, the very thing we are built on.’

‘Please.’ He pleaded, softly. 

‘I can’t feed you excuses not to do this anymore. It hurts too much.’

‘I’m sorry.’ 

Then his lips finally kissed yours, hard and with such longing. 

Cassian wasn’t sure why he had apologised. Perhaps it was for all the years he had avoided his feelings or perhaps it was because he had finally given in to them. Either way he couldn’t fight them anymore, he needed to be with you even if it was just once.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I do not own the character Cassian Andor and only have used him in this story for entertainment purposes.


End file.
